"They're Just Not Real"

Being admittedly something of a pervert, I shamelessly confess to finding a number of cartoon characters interesting from an erotic point of view. You may ask yourself "how can an intelligent man [at least allow that I may be] find erotic potential in a two-dimensional fantasy". Well, if not, pornographers of the world should be redundant. The step from photographic representations of real people to representations of imaginary beings is but a small step. And who can seriously deny that it is impossible to catch anything nasty from, say, a mutant ninja turtle? Just be certain, dear toonophile, that he is not a teenage one...

I find the prospect of chelonian toons less than appealing, though, and being heterosexual (as far as I know), prefer the charms of the following imaginary females - not all of whom are cartoons.

Maleficent. The queen witch-bitch of Sleeping Beauty.  You can keep the insipid eponymous nymph - she has about as much character and colour as a snowman in fog; but magnificent Maleficent has to be a serious contender for any red-blooded male's fantasies.  And Eleanor Audley provided her with a  truly wonderful voice; though I feel Uncle Walt might have improved things immeasurably by allowing the utterance of a few well-chosen obscenities, as well as a more intimate and, er, artistically satisfying relationship between Maleficent and Prince Phillip.

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Cruella De Vil. The villain (and real star) of 101 dalmatians. Glenn Close may be a good-looking woman, but she cannot hold a candle to Disney's original. An upmarket harridan with pretensions to class she may have been, but I'd certainly not have begrudged her a few of those puppies. After all, what she wanted was not quite so politically incorrect in those days....

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Yzma. Another Disney babe, this time from The Emperor's New Groove.

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Modesty Blaise. Peter O'Donnell's marvellous creation, the heroine of a dozen novels and a long-running comic strip in the Evening Standard.

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Emma, from the cartoon series "Smoggies!" Vain, selfish and obsessed with her looks, she spent each episode worrying about magic coral which could preserve her beauty for all time and render her as immortal as the snivelling runts whom we were supposed to cheer.

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Jadis, Empress of Charn, from C.S. Lewis's Narnia books. How many young male hearts, I wonder, did she snare? Mine, certainly - when, at the age of seven, I was fortunate enough to have a teacher who read aloud The Magician's Nephew. The imagined vision of Jadis chomping her way through an enchanted apple moved me in a way that I was still not sure of, but which I later recognised as childish lust. Oh, for a stern, seven-foot mistress, to comfort me and protect me from the harsh realities of this careless world!


Ayesha, or She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. Another beautiful, strong woman, and the prototype for Jadis. Like Jadis, she was inclined to be impetuous and not one suffer fools gladly. Which means I'd have lasted about ten seconds in her presence. I'm not exactly sentimental, but the narration of her demise made my eyes unusually moist.

Jirel of Joiry, Catherine L. Moore's swordswoman, usually found battling sorcerers and demons of the most unpleasant sort. A subtle way of hacking her enemies into more congenially-sized gobbets earned her a place in my personal pantheon.

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Lady Death. A comic book character. I know nothing whatsoever about her, but the pictures I have seen of her - in which she is often depicted holding her victims' entrails - move me in a way that it is fully in accordance with the darker regions of my psyche. Not that I think it is unusual for death and sex to be emotionally linked.

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Slappy Squirrel. Although I believe there are many admirers of "furry" erotica, I have never much cared for non-humans myself - but I do like Slappy Squirel.

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Amateur psychologists may care to let me know how incredibly maladjusted and emotionally twisted this list proves me to be. Whether you like it or not, approve or disapprove, I hope that you found it of interest. You might care, if you haven't already done so, to cast your eyes over my list of real women. It may serve as an antidote to what you have just read.

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